Archives for 2020

“I have been here before,” I thought to myself. The exhaustion seemed more intense than a mere lack of sleep. I felt scattered and easily overwhelmed. Irritability and strong emotions lingered right below the surface. I needed to be the stabilising force for my family when I was also struggling to keep it together.

Why did this feel so familiar? 

Then it came to me — this is exactly how I feel for the first few months after a new international move. Coronavirus is a new country that I have to live in for the foreseeable future. I need to use the skills I have learned during our numerous relocations to manage it.

The Same But Different

When you move, everyday tasks and routines come into question. Where do I get food? How do I refill my prescriptions? What day do they pick up the trash? All of our daily functions, both big and small, need re-evaluation.  It’s exhausting.

When my country entered lockdown, these questions were similar and often more dire. It had the same effect of making me feel like everything was uncertain.

Nothing feels automatic anymore. I question small actions that, just 2 weeks ago, I did without a second thought.

Language and Culture

Suddenly we are interacting with one another in unfamiliar ways. We are surrounded by terms that are new and sometimes vague. What exactly does social distancing mean? No guests allowed in the house or just not more than 5 people? Can I take walks with friends? Now that I am communicating more online, how do I express myself? Can people tell I’m joking when I text?

I feel unsure at a time that I need to understand and be understood.

Isolation

Similar to an international move, coronavirus changes the nature of interactions with your family and friends.  The everyday support that you take for granted is no longer integrated into your life. It now happens virtually and must be planned. You can’t hug or touch people that are far away and it’s a loss.

While I am grateful to be with my immediate family, our social interactions are currently non-existent. I don’t know when I will be able to see friends in person again and am not sure I will be able to return home over the summer. I am increasingly looking to my nuclear family for the support that I normally get from others. This can create strain and unmet expectations in households longing for stability.

Uncertainty

It is very difficult to manage stress when you don’t know where the finish line is. Will coronavirus require us to “hunker down” for a few weeks or will this last 18 months as some predict? Will my company survive and will I still have a job? What will things be like when we go back to our regular lives? Will we go back to our regular lives?

We want to reestablish equilibrium by reminding ourselves that things will go back to “normal” soon. It’s hard not knowing when this will be and what the future will bring.

What helps? 

For those of you who have gone through multiple moves, now is the time to rally your resources and remember the skills you have developed to deal with transitions. For others who are new to international mobility and for those who can’t recall how you coped, here are a few tips.

Focus on the basics. Sleep, eat well, hydrate, exercise. It isn’t complicated but it’s important. As author Elizabeth Gilbert astutely said, “None of the other stuff is going to work if the animal that you live in is just a broke-down mess”. Figuring out how to accomplish these basics now takes more time and may require creativity. Invest in this.  Your physical health and wellbeing lies at the foundation of everything else.

Routines, Routines, Routines (even if they are simple). Adding small amounts of predictability to the day helps people feel more grounded. It can add a sense of normalcy to a life that seems upended. Starting the day in a certain way, keeping bedtimes, having pizza every Friday — they are simple actions that help maintain a connection to the way life was before all the changes.

Don’t expect too much from yourself and others. We often expect ourselves to just instantly adjust to a new environment and be as engaged and effective as we were before. This is not realistic and will lead to frustration, burn out, arguments and disappointment. Give yourself and others credit for small accomplishments — a successful trip to the grocery store, helping your child with his/her online assignment, doing some push ups in your living room.  If you do more, praise yourself but be patient if you are not as functional and productive as before.

Know yourself.  We each have unique responses to stress and default reactions when we are under pressure. What situation or combination of events makes you feel the most upset? How do you normally react when you are distressed — do you get anxious? depressed? angry? Do you spring into action or get overwhelmed? What makes you feel better? Time alone, talking to someone else?

Knowing how you are likely to respond and what makes you regain your equilibrium is vital in times of transition or turmoil. Look for the warning signs that you are feeling off-centered and put a plan in place early to avoid things getting worse. 

Reach out for help if you or someone you love needs it. Many therapists are providing online counselling services and there are emergency hotlines for people who need help. The way we deliver and use support may be different, but taking time to tend to mental health and wellbeing is key.

Have faith that you will establish a new normal. Humans are remarkably adaptable. We will find a way through this and regain our equilibrium again. We might experience loss and grapple with uncertainty but there will be opportunities for growth as well.

Just as all the new places and faces that we encounter when we move eventually become familiar, so will our lives after coronavirus. But in the meantime, focus on the present, take care of yourself, set realistic expectations and reach out if you need help. 

I am always happy to hear from you or to provide support. Contact me at

It’s been two weeks since we were told to stay home. I have increased my intake of social media to an unhealthy level and have been reading about what I can do with all my “free time”.

I realize that I am falling short of expectations.

I have not yet learned Spanish. 

I haven’t started on the novel I always hoped to write (or didn’t even know I wanted to write). 

I’m barely reading (outside of my obsessive Facebook scrolling). 

I haven’t run a marathon in my garage and or read The Hobbit to my daughter. 

We don’t do virtual PE (or any PE) every morning or play board games together.

What have I been doing these past two weeks? 

A lot of dishes.  We now have four people eating 3 meals a day at home. 

I have listened to loud conference calls my husband makes from the other room while I try to work.  I have snuck down to my daughter’s room on a regular basis (Ninja style) to make sure she is studying instead of watching Youtube videos. (She has a very good screen poker face so it’s really hard to tell the difference).

My biggest achievement is going to the grocery store which is now a stressful experience. 

I spend mental energy trying to decide when the best day/time to go is. I stand in line outside the store as people in masks and gloves wait for their turn to go inside. When I’m inside I concentrate on what we need, how to keep away from other people and how to keep from touching too many surfaces, and how much to buy so that I don’t hoard but also am able to feed my family.

I have also taken some naps and spent hours wondering why I don’t have the motivation to do more.

After all this is a great opportunity to get things done, right? 

Actually, maybe not. 

Let’s face it — this is stressful. This is not the magical gift of time that we imagined. Yes, there can be some unexpected positives  but we also need to acknowledge the loss and stress that this is creating. Our best work, our most perfect selves don’t always appear in times of turmoil.

Fear and uncertainty drains our energy. While we cannot always see this energy disappearing we can feel it (at least I can).

If we look beyond the stress this is creating, the sudden lack of structure and isolation makes getting things done hard too. Sometimes the less you do, the less you want to do. Often, ideas are launched through interacting with other people and absorbing the collective energy this brings, not sitting by yourself in front of your computer screen.

So if you are not in the mood to clean out the closets and organize your photos, that’s ok. Give yourself credit for small accomplishments and keep the faith that your normal hectic life will be waiting for you when this is all over — and won’t it be nice.

This article (and accompanying artwork) is featured in the World Family Education website.

By: Stephanie Johnson, LICSW

A vital component of an international school’s infrastructure is the policies and procedures put in place to help ensure student safety. Safeguarding policies are important because they demonstrate an organization’s commitment to keeping children safe, they provide a common set of standards and expectations, and they outline what to do if there is a concern about a child.  

A child safeguarding (or child protection) policy is generally one of a cluster of related protocols that outline the approach and actions a school will take to care for the physical and emotional health of its students. This article will focus on the important components of a child safeguarding policy as well as briefly outline related policies that are important to the well-being of the school community.

Defining Child Abuse

A school Safeguarding Policy should start with a definition of child abuse. This definition should be linked to larger statutory guidance and/or international human rights policy. The most common legislation used as a foundation for school safeguarding policies is that of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC).

Most child protection policies have a section that describes/defines various types of child maltreatment (i.e., physical, sexual, emotional abuse and neglect) and how to recognize them. This helps provide a common understanding of the signs and symptoms of abuse so that all members of the community can take action if they see possible risks.

It is important, as well, that the school operates in accordance with local laws about child abuse; this should be referenced in the policy. The International Center for Missing and Exploited Children (ICMEC) has a good list of country-specific legislation and can be found here. However, due to variations in country laws, schools may have more comprehensive safeguarding policies than the host country. For example, a school may strongly discourage corporal punishment, and despite the fact that it is permitted in the host country, contact parents who use this form of discipline to discuss alternative approaches.

A good policy is clear, easily understood, and endorsed by all members of the school community. The policy should be approved by the school’s governing body, reviewed on a regular (annual) basis, and be easily located (featured as part of the school’s web page for example).

A school safeguarding policy should not just discuss what to do if a child is harmed. It should also define the school’s commitment to:

Supervision

An important component of any school safeguarding policy/procedure is the identification of the person/people in charge of child protection. Schools should have these people/groups identified in their policy:

While schools differ in who takes these specific roles, it is important that someone is in charge of keeping the safeguarding agenda moving forward and who has time in their schedule designated for this. Some schools identify a Safeguarding Manager who is responsible for making sure child safety is a priority in all areas of the school and remains an ongoing, dynamic part of the school agenda.

Procedures

Child protection procedures should outline what to do if there is a concern about a child and how to make a report of suspected abuse. Within the guidelines for reporting concerns, several areas should be clearly addressed:

Codes of Conduct

It is very important that schools have Codes of Conduct so that all members of the community know the expectations for behavior; it is a key part of the structure on which child safety rests. Staff should know what is/is not permitted in their interaction with students. Students should know the boundaries of behavior in and out of school and the consequences of infractions. Parents should know the school expectations around communication, volunteering, and privacy. This provides a sense of security and containment in schools, which are increasingly complex institutions.

While staff codes of conduct vary from school to school, there are certain components that should be included in all employee expectations:

What Takes Place When a Safeguarding Concern Is Raised

The exact process for managing a report/concern about child safety often varies from school to school. However, most investigations into child safeguarding include several stages: information gathering, determination of severity, intervention, and documentation. Schools may have more or less involvement in this process depending on the local laws and philosophy of the host country’s child protection agencies.

Information Gathering and Determination of Severity

The first steps in responding to a concern is to gather information to determine the credibility and severity of the concern. This may involve talking to the student(s), family, other teachers, and/or the school nurse. It should include checking to see if concerns have been raised the past. School staff need to determine the exact nature of the concern (physical abuse, bullying, self-harm, etc.), if the concern is an isolated incident or ongoing issue, and whether there is imminent risk to the child.

Selecting the Intervention

The type of intervention selected depends on the severity of the concern; there is a wide range of responses schools can take. It is important to remember that, when it comes to child protection, doing nothing is not an option. Lower level cases often involve increasing support and guidance to the students and families. However in the rare case that a school feels a child is in imminent danger of serious abuse, they might need to contact agencies outside of school support systems.

Here are some possible actions a school might take:

Documentation

Keeping a record of concerns and outcomes is a vital part of safeguarding at school. It helps to protect everyone in the school community by demonstrating that concerns are taken seriously, investigated, and acted upon (or determined to be unfounded). Documentation helps determine if there is a consistent pattern of low-level concerns that might signal there is a larger issue taking place. All documentation of safeguarding concerns should be stored in a safe, locked location to protect the privacy and confidentiality of those involved.

A note about confidentiality. It is important during all phases of the investigation that privacy and discretion are upheld. Only people who need to know the information about the allegation should be informed or questioned. However, strict confidentiality cannot always be guaranteed. In most countries, school personnel are mandated reporters, which means they must share information to appropriate people/agencies about a child who is in danger.

Other Policies and Procedures

A child safeguarding policy provides the framework for a school’s commitment to community safety and well-being. Other policies also support this effort and should exist alongside the safeguarding policy. Here are some examples:

In summary, a comprehensive child protection policy and procedure for managing safety concerns should be the cornerstone of a school’s approach to student well-being. A safeguarding policy sits alongside other policies and procedures that clarify the rights and responsibilities of all members of the community. There are many resources to assist organizations in developing good safeguarding policies such as The Council of International Schools and Keeping Children Safe.

“This city just doesn’t click with me,” one woman explained.  “I know everyone loves it, but I feel so lonely and out of place here.” 

The women in the room came from all corners of the world and had joined me for a workshop called “The Joys and Challenges of Living Internationally”. What linked us was that we had all chosen to leave our passport countries and live abroad for a period of time. While we had acknowledged how much we had gained from the experience of living cross culturally, we had started to talk about the hard parts. 

While most of the group nodded empathically, one participant said, “Oh, it’s not so bad. I didn’t have any trouble at all. You just need to get out and meet some people”.

I cringed and quickly reminded the group that everyone had different experiences with what made them feel at home. I wanted to make space for all feelings, even those that were negative. I hoped I had struck the right tone and that the person sharing would leave the group feeling supported and acknowledged, not dismissed and misunderstood. I also realized that the woman who claimed it was “not so bad” was likely just trying to help. 

I have witnessed many common traps that people fall into as they listen to others discuss their feelings, especially ones that make them feel uncomfortable or vulnerable. It is important to remember that people talk about how they feel when they are searching for connection and understanding. How we respond can strengthen connection or weaken it.

Here are a few common mistakes we can make that might leave our friends and loved ones feeling misunderstood and some suggestions about how to maintain connection when discussing difficult emotions.

Negating

The response in the above anecdote is an example of negating. It is telling someone that their concern is not a problem, that it is not so bad or that they shouldn’t feel that way. It is the opposite of acknowledgement or validation which is almost always what people are looking for when they share their feelings. Whether you agree with what the  person is saying or not, simply nodding or saying “I hear you” goes a long way toward making someone feel listened to.

The Fixer

Have you ever just wanted to vent or express yourself and been met with a barrage of suggestions? The truth is, most people who struggle with a problem have thought of (or heard) many solutions already, but for some reason, are still grappling with the issue. Perhaps they feel stuck or none of the solutions are appealing to them. Often what they are looking for is affirmation and understanding, not another recommendation.

As a listener, try repeating back what they said in their words. If you are tempted to offer a suggestion, ask first. I suggest saying something like, “Did you just want to vent or are you looking for solutions?” That way you either get permission to share ideas or know that it is best to just listen.

If you are sharing, let others know what you want/need. You can say “I just need to get this off my chest” or “I would love some suggestions about this problem”. That way the person you are talking to doesn’t have to guess what would make you feel better.

This dynamic is often particularly evident in the client/ therapist relationship. Some people express frustration that therapists don’t fix enough. They get frustrated with a therapist’s reluctance to give them “the answer”. All good therapists are trained to help clients find their own solutions. By asking the right questions, listening intently and providing safety and connection, therapists know that people can find their own answers.

Providing Sympathy instead of Empathy

Once when I was giving a talk about expat adjustment, I used an example of how I had particular difficulty with one of our many moves as a way to highlight the complexities of our emotions when we move. A woman in the audience said, “Oh, you poor, poor thing! I wish I had known it was so hard for you!”  While this sentiment was very kind, I felt a little embarrassed. Had I been complaining that much? Did people see me as weak and helpless? Would they now pity me instead of understanding me?

The woman who said this gave me sympathy when what I wanted was empathy. What is the difference? Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone while empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. Dr. Brene Brown explains, “Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection. ” She goes on to explain that empathy is feeling with people while sympathy creates an uneven power dynamic by maintaining separation in the relationship. Watch her great animated short that describes the differences here.

How About That Weather? 

Some people think the best way to help a person going through a difficult time is to refrain from mentioning it or to change the subject. They make small talk, ask questions about work — anything to avoid discussing the topic. People who take this approach usually say they don’t want to remind the sad person about the problem.

While it is true that over-focusing on a problem can be detrimental, not having your problem acknowledged at all can make the person who is struggling feel alone or that their issue is not important enough to be discussed. Most people grappling with difficult issues are thinking about them already — saying something will not remind them, but instead, help them feel more connected.

It may be that the person does not want to discuss it or it is not the right  time. But knowing that you are there and thinking of them can help convey a feeling of support.

 I Know, Right? 

“If you think that is bad, let me tell you what happened to me”. It’s something we have all experienced — we are sharing something difficult and the person with whom we are talking changes the conversation to focus on their problem. Sometimes this is due to self-centeredness, but more often than not, it is a misguided way to connect with the person struggling. We sometimes want to say “I know how you feel. I have felt like that too” so we tell a personal story of our own difficulty.

The problem is, if we share our own story too soon or if our story is not really similar to that of the person struggling, we risk breaking the connection instead of strengthening it. Moving the focus away from the person who wants to talk and to ourselves can make it seem like we are not listening or do not care about what our friend is going through.

It’s ok to share your story with the person struggling once you have let them know you are listening. Saying things like, “I know it’s not the exact situation, but I also felt sad/angry/hurt recently when…” or “I can understand how lonely you are — I felt that when….”. Make sure the conversation goes back to them in the end — use your own experience as a way to help them feel understood, not to ignore their problem.

The longing for connection is one of our most basic human needs. When people share their feelings they take a risk. They offer out vulnerability hoping it will be treated with care. By pausing briefly and considering how we listen and respond, we can fuel compassion and empathy to value and strengthen our relationships.