Archives for March 2019

I never would have imagined that a Netflix horror show would help me relax but, in the spring of last year Stranger Things provided a much needed escape from reality. Every night my husband and I would take our places on the sofa and slip into the world of missing children and monsters as a way to get our minds off the apprehensiveness of our impending move.

As I watched the kids on Stranger Things make sense of the alternate reality they called “the upside down”, I couldn’t help but draw a comparison to my feelings about our move. Just like the inhabitants of Hawkins, I was going along in my normal life but knew there was a different reality out there that I would soon inhabit. It would probably look something like my life now — school, work, travel, laundry — but be different as well. Hopefully it would not be dark, frightening and full of slime, but when I felt fearful, that’s how I imagined it. When my anxiety about our move was at its highest, it was like the Demogorgon coming out of the wall and roaring in my face.

We were in the “in-between” stage of expat relocation. We had decided to leave our current posting and we knew where we were going. I had started to think about packing and to contemplate how I wanted to say goodbye but it wasn’t quite time to start assembling the boxes. My son needed to complete his IB exams and my daughter was still fully engaged with her friends. It was too early to be the end of our experience and too late to be the middle.

I wish I could have been as active as the characters in the show in figuring out how to deal with the “in between”. Maybe I should have given everyone in the family walkie talkies and strategized about how to get through it. Admittedly, I was not in mortal danger like on the show, but I did feel like my life was about to be tossed up in the air and I hoped my family and I would be happy when we landed.  I mostly felt a numbing inertia during this time. “I should start throwing things out, I should make a ‘bucket list’ of last places to visit in South East Asia,” I told myself. Where was I going to find the energy? Every ounce of it seemed to be directed towards managing the tumult of emotions — sadness, anticipation, fear, excitement, curiosity — I was experiencing all the time as well as helping my kids manage those same feelings.

So what helps us get through the “in between” so we can keep from going upside down? Here are a few things I have found helpful from my experience and from lots of reading on the subject of transitions:

Be in it.  I have been through the “in between” several times and it always feels uncomfortable. Part of me wants to hit “fast forward” and just get down to the business of leaving. The other part of me wants to ignore the approaching departure and pretend like nothing is happening. Neither of those choices is possible and I find the feeling of limbo hard. Jodi Harris, the founder of World Tree Coaching, addresses this in her most recent blog, “Expat Life: Living in the Middle”. She encourages us to try to “be comfortable in the liminal space” and to see each moment as a beginning and an end. She recommends “owning that we are in-between people” and that all of life is a series of beginnings and endings. I find her reflections to be a comforting reminder to respect and honor the in-between spaces instead of just tolerating them.

Differentiate between change and transition. In the Preface to the Second Edition of Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, author William Bridges makes a distinction between a life change and a transition. A change, he explains, is situational while a transition is psychological. Transition involves the inner re-orientation that you must go through to incorporate a change into your life. Bridges explains that it is often transition, not change, that “blindsides” us and without allowing for a period of transition, changes do not “take”.

I believe the in-between time is vital in the transition process. If we can resist the impulse to start doing and focus on how the change feels, we position ourselves to better manage the emotional impact of the change. Processing the shift, imagining our new life, feeling each emotion, even if they are contradictory, helps us integrate experiences and create meaning in our lives.

Rest up. We know from nature that even when fields lay fallow, they are going through a process of rest and regeneration in preparation for the next crop to flourish. Plants often enter into a state similar to hibernation during the winter in which they slow down in preparation for rapid growth.  We also need to take the opportunity to rest between the drama of deciding to move and the turmoil of the actual relocation. Perhaps, like trees, we need to allow ourselves some quiet reflection and emotional reorganization before the rush of the spring-time growth.

Use what you know. Chances are you have been in the upside-down or in-between before. It is almost impossible to go through life without some major transitions. Perhaps you move frequently and have gone through this very process. Or you can think back to when you were waiting for your first child to arrive or had accepted a new job, but not yet started. How do you manage these times? What worked for you and what didn’t? What is your “go-to” emotion or state — anxiety, excitement, denial? Try to use the self-care techniques that work best for you in times of uncertainty or reach out for help if you tend to make unhealthy choices.

The in-between of expat relocation does not last forever. Soon enough we are plunged into the frenzy of good-bye dinners, tearful farewells and the excitement of a new place. Even if it’s difficult and scary, take a cue from the brave characters from Stranger Things who, despite their fear, grappled with the Demogorgon and the “upside down” to save their friend and restore peace and consistency in their lives.

It’s all this manoeuvring and second guessing. Almost as though we have doors in front of us all the time in the modern life as women and each day you have door one, two and three and you have to choose which one you go through and there is that terrible heart-sickening fear that by going through door number 2 you are murdering some essential part of yourself that could only be actualised by going through doors one or three.

                                                                   Elizabeth Gilbert

I can still remember the feeling — the anxious but excited butterflies that fluttered inside my body as my husband and I began to seriously consider moving our family overseas. Is this crazy? Can we do it? Where will we end up? The possibilities seemed endless, the whole world opened up in our imaginations as we wondered, “Where do we want to live?”.

Since that first exciting experience 10 years ago we have moved twice more, each time to a new country and culture. In the beginning of the process, I usually feel the exhilarating rush of “where do we want to go?” but soon the nervous excitement changes to a feeling of overwhelmed immobility. I admit that during the interview processes before our most recent move, I unhelpfully commented: “Just wake me up when it’s time to go and let me know what continent we will be living on”. The magic of having all of those choices no longer felt like a gift but more like a burden.

I think this is why I was so interested to listen to the audiobook The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less by Barry Schwartz. In this book, Schwartz examines the incredible increase in the number of choices we must make every day — from what type of toothpaste to buy to where to invest our money.  While he acknowledges that having some measure of choice and control over our lives is vital to health and wellbeing, he asserts that having too much choice can actually be detrimental to freedom and happiness.

Think of the choices we make as expats. Do we want to take this posting? Do we sell the house? What do we do with the car? Do we try to learn the local language? Local schools for the kids or international schools? How long should we stay? Should we move back or continue to live overseas?  And we must still manage to decide what kind of toothpaste to buy.

This issue again hit home as my oldest child was applying to college. The choice was no longer in-state or out-of-state but where (literally) in the world he wanted to study.  He applied to the US, Canada and England but also considered the Netherlands, Australia and, at one point, Japan. He applied to a huge number of schools and, after a painstaking process, made a decision that seemed to make him relatively happy. Will he get a good education? Yes. Was the vast array of choices a good thing? I’m not so sure. At the time it felt agonizing and overwhelming.

Despite sometimes feeling overwhelmed with decisions, I’m not ready to give up the choices that my international life gives me. How can we keep from feeling paralysed with indecision and regret amidst all of the choice we have? Here are a few suggestions:

According to Schwartz, if you increase choice in one area, try to decrease it in other areas. It’s okay, even advisable, to limit options for decisions that are not as important to you (like what type of toothpaste to buy). He encourages us to “learn to love constraints” on choice and to make some decisions automatic.  This helps us focus time and energy on the choices that matter.

Take time to prioritize what is important to you and why when contemplating the bigger decisions in life. It is tempting to do something because it’s what we are “supposed” to do or because it’s what we wanted at some point in our lives. I strongly encourage people thinking about living overseas to define specifically why they want to make this choice. Identifying your reasons and goals helps narrow the possibilities. If your top priority is interacting with the local culture, perhaps living in a country with many gated expat communities is not the right choice for you. If you want to travel frequently, choosing a job that gives you time off and the salary to travel will be important.

Elizabeth Gilbert in her speech at the ICAN 2011 Women’s Leadership Conference (watch here) encourages us to be gentle with ourselves and to try to be true to our own path. Women in particular don’t have generations of role models to help us navigate the “huge maze of choice” we now have. She says she wakes up each day and tries to, “… do my best with that day. I do my best with what I have there.”

I try to remember that there are no bad decisions. Every choice has something to teach us and the process is often as important as the outcome. While these statements may seem trite, it is so easy to succumb to the fear of what will happen if we make the “wrong” choice. Most of us can point to a “bad” decision that led us to something wonderful later.

Despite the fact that we often feel we have limitless choices, we don’t always get to choose where we live or even what happens in life.  Life sends us curve balls and sometimes choices are made for us. By trying to embrace this, by understanding that endless choice is not always a good thing, we can free ourselves to make the choices that really matter to us.

So the next time one of those big decisions comes your way, press pause for a moment or two to keep the nervous butterflies from becoming an angry swarm of bees. Reconnect with your values and reasons for living an international life. Limit decision making in other areas when you can and remember that every path has a lesson to teach if we know how to listen.